It’s full steam ahead

on the Halloween special today, so no time to write anything topical. We’re going back to 1999 again and Rhythms magazine with a story about aliens. (I think)

Aliens R Us


I’ve been reading a lot about aliens lately. Roswell, abductions close encounters of the second, third and fourth kind, that sort of thing.
I’d like to think that there are aliens among us, because it means that there is probably more to the universe than we as Homo Sapiens have hitherto, with our feeble cricket sized brains been able to ascertain.
As a species, we’ve come a long way technologically in a very short time, considering that 100 years ago we couldn’t even build a decent flying machine. Now NASA’s Space Shuttle is almost like a bus full of pensioners that leaves for Las Vegas every weekend.
When I look at the achievements of the human race, I can’t help thinking that somehow it’s all gone a bit awry. We’ve got all this stuff, but it’s pretty much all useless unless it’s going to get us somewhere. By somewhere, I mean solving the big problems of the human race like war, disease, famine, poverty and parking cops.
It’s easy to make light of the condition of the human race. The bored cynics’ defense against trying to think about anything as huge as “What Is the Meaning of Existence?”, is to take the satirical route, and that’s the end of that.


Fine, and I’ll happily concur, given some of the crackpot attempts by all kinds religions through the centuries at explaining the human condition, but sometimes you gotta ask yourself, “Just what the fuck am I doing in this Carbon based biochemical lifeform that I call a raving lunatic?” I don’t know, but if I finds out, you’ll be the first person I tell. I’ll come back to this a bit later, but speaking of lunatics of the raving kind, last month saw the passing of The venerable Screaming Lord Sutch, of the British Monster Raving Loony Party. Whilst being a fixture in British politics for most of the last thirty years, the exploits of Lord Sutch were probably not greatly reported in this country, judging by what I discovered about him in the papers last week. We here in Australia could certainly do with somebody with even a scrap of the intelligence and humor of Lord Sutch, and be better off for it. I’m trying to think of a good candidate, and Peter Garrett’s name just keeps popping into my head.
If I ever vote for anyone in the new Republic, if there ever is one, it’ll probably be for Natasha. I’m glad somebody, (and some of her colleagues) has got some principles regarding this unbelievably, keep-hitting-yourself-constantly-on-the-head-with-a-hammer-until-I’m-a-dope , stupid GST, and is not collapsing in like a pack of cards, just because some pinhead gave them a compliment.


I think they probably did the biggest snowjob in history on that woman and she bought it. Thanks a million Meg, I’ll remember you when I’m buying my bread.
Back to N S D, though. At the risk of being politically incorrect, She’s a babe. Oooooops! There’s more grist for the outraged and sedentary. Various Benny Hill type jokes involving ballot boxes are hovering in my feverish mind, but I’ll try and curb them.
Look! She’s a babe and she’s got brains, OK! It’s the closest I’m ever going to get to a political commitment, so take it or leave it.
I’ll bet she could free our “Aussie Spies”. “Slobodan honey, now why do you want to keep those nice Aussie boys in jail for? Let’s you and me forget that nasty war and go and have some egg nog together.” (I’ve made her into Ellie May Clampett, but what the heck) She could do worse than Malcolm Fraser (3-time loser), Alexander Downer (once), Nelson Mandela, Jessie Jackson, The Pope, Mark Waugh, Shane Warne and The entire Aussie Cricket team. Will nothing spring them out of the slammer?
I wonder if anyone has thought about getting Lucy Dudko and a chopper……
I’m sorry you’re stuck in jail boys, but you might have to get used to it for a while. Of course they might well be free by the time you’re reading this, but I doubt it.
Us Aussies don’t seem to have much international clout. Ouch! Yet another sacred cow mutilated. Which brings me neatly back to.. Why the hell do those aliens have to keep mutilating our damn cattle? And what’s with the crop circles?
Huh? I have a theory. I think the aliens are actually us from the future. Think about it. If the theory of space travel, as it is now postulated by creditable scholars, involves warping space and time, then surely these beings are time travellers who are on a bit of an “A la recherch√© du temps perdu”, if you’ll pardon my French. They, or thoughtforms created by them/us, are just dropping by to ensure that they/we don’t destroy ourselves so that there will actually be a future in the future, if you can dig where I’m at with this. (what did I just say?)


Actually the geniuses that know about all this stuff reckon that there are millions of universes, or multiverses as they call them. George Lucas has had a shot at re-creating a fictional one with his latest biggie, The Phantom Menace Pt 1. It’s kind of depressing though, to learn in these movies, that along with the great technological advances that have been made regarding space travel and communication with other beings, the most earthlike creatures are still persisting with a kind of a feudal system of kings and queens and lords and ladies. I also had to wonder why they would still be going to war on an open field like it was the Battle Of Gettysburg, but these are minor quibbles over what I thought was a really rather stupid.. er, super movie. Poor ‘ol Yoda looks pretty lame these days, but it made me laugh, (in all the wrong places of course). It’s not really a true story like the Titanic was anyway is it, so who cares? I don’t want to stray into a film critic’s territory, so I’ll leave it alone. I wish I’d never gone there in the first place actually.

A word of warning. If you value your hearing, wear earplugs.
Since I’ve been lately turned on to all things extra terrestrial, I’ve been constantly watching the skies, in the hopes of seeing a spaceship or something hovering about with flashing lights that wasn’t a police speed trap, but to no avail. I’m not giving up yet, because I think it’s possible the aliens don’t get around these parts much. We’ve had Albanians, but they ain’t space aliens as far as I know. Perhaps one day the aliens will actually, like the Albanians, need to seek refuge here due to their planet being destroyed, or maybe they just might want to go back to a simpler, more primitive way of life. Australia would have to be number one choice for that I would think. (and we’ve got the Olympics!) They’ll be easy to spot as soon as we can figure out what the alien equivalent of one of those red, white and blue stripey bags looks like.

Ian Stephen 1999