we have been enjoying a 3 day long weekend. Memorial Day marks the unofficial start of summer. It’s been very hot of course, no surprises there. On Sunday I was watching something on the BBC called BBC Radio One’s Big Weekend. It was a concert held at Stockwood Park in Luton. It was the opposite of Woodstock entirely. I don’t know if that was deliberate, but it suited the event. It was as if someone had taken all the energy and life out of the iconic Woodstock festival and turned it into fertilizer. In fact, the Stockwood name has been around since 1740 when one of Bedfordshire’s leading landowners, built an estate there, but that’s neither here nor there. It can stay there.
The concert itself was underwhelming, although I only saw two of the acts, both of which were, in my opinion, mediocre garbage. The first act I saw was a New York band called Vampire Weekend. Here were a bunch of frat boys playing a bunch of forgettable songs. Think of a blander version of Green Day, but without the nauseating left wing extremism. The lead singer had a stripey T shirt on with “The Pogues” emblazoned on the front. The Pogues they weren’t. Perhap they were hoping to fool the crowd that they actually were the Pogues, I dunno. The millenial/zoomer crowd wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference, I’m sure.
The grand finale of this shit show was a performance by Coldplay, “a British rock band formed in London in 1997, consisting of vocalist and pianist Chris Martin, lead guitarist Jonny Buckland, bassist Guy Berryman, drummer and percussionist Will Champion, and manager Phil Harvey.”
I find it interesting that their manager is included in their bio as if he was a fifth member. Given that the Coldplay show resembled some kind of corporate branded event, it’s not surprising. I read that Coldplay are one of the best selling musical acts of all time, selling over 100 million albums. I did recognize a couple of tunes, which understandably I probably heard in TJ Maxx or some other discount clothing department store somewhere. Their music is strictly commercial.
During the song “People of the Pride”, Martin grabbed a large rainbow Pride flag from the back of the stage and began covering his face with it, even singing through the fabric. tldr; Coldpay are gay AF.
Their act, on the other hand, is bizarre but not in a good way. I gather this might be a part of their The “Music of the Spheres World Tour”. I don’t know what the fuck they are playing at. Music of the Spheres? What does that even fucking mean? I’m going to cut to the chase and just copy and paste this gushing blurb from the Ticketmaster blog, “One thing you can count on at a Coldplay concert is a breathtaking setlist and mesmerizing visuals. Their performances are known for striking a perfect balance between classic hits and fresh tracks. Expect to hear beloved songs like “Yellow,” “Fix You,” “Viva La Vida,” and many more, along with new favorites from their “Music of the Spheres” album.” Oh I see, that’s the name of their new album.
What would Lemmy do?
Let’s continue..”The stage design and production are bound to be nothing short of extraordinary. Coldplay is renowned for pushing the boundaries of visual storytelling, and you can anticipate a visually immersive experience that complements their music beautifully. Prepare to be wowed by stunning lighting effects, elaborate visuals, and captivating stage setups.” Why, it’s a Broadway show already.
The whole thing looked like a corporate event, which it essentially was. Every single fucking thing was color coordinated and designed down to the last plectrum. Their outfits, amps, backdrops, guitars, lighting etc etc, were all part of somebody’s idea of what “Music of the Spheres” was supposed to represent. It reminded me of a 1980’s fashion show. Something that someone with a fraction of the wit and artistry of Karl Lagerfeld would put on.
It didn’t look like Music of the Spheres to me, Music of the Queers perhaps. but what do I know? The whole effect was one of corporate blandness. It was like a New Coke campaign as put on by the mullahs in Iran. There was absolutely no room for indivual expression here. It was stifling in it’s adherence to the coporate vision. Sleep inducing, in fact.
The singer of this sorry excuse for a rock band, has zero charisma. Imagine Mark Zuckerberg in some color coordinated human stretchy material version of a human Instaturd and you’re getting close. The guy has a very limited capacity to be interesting on stage. He’s mostly jumping up and down in one spot like a retarded jackass. It’s not entertaining.
One one song, which I gather was one of their hits, (I don’t really know) he chose to sit cross legged on the edge of the stage like he was addressing a bunch of pre schoolers. He may as well have been. The crowd having been fed a diet of this pap for most of their formative years, were experiencing heartfelt and real imaginary feelings while they listened (and sang along) to this anthemic woo woo nonsense.
To say I didn’t like it isn’t enough. It was monumentally depressing. I wanted to throw a squirrel through the TV. If this is what modern rock music is, you can shove it. Clodplay make U2 look edgy. The Wiggles have more credibilty, and I can’t stand the Wiggles. It was hackneyed, tired, corporate slop, plain and simple. If Globohomo had a house band, it would be these guys. Yeeech!
Yes, it’s me and the boys from last Thursday.